In just seven short weeks, Colton Underwood’s “journey” as The Bachelor’s main man will begin, rose lovers! ABC’s promotional drumbeat leading up to the Jan. 7 premiere began last week with the season 23(!) poster reveal, and on Monday night the network released a bats‑‑‑ (or in Bachelor parlance, “dramatic”) new teaser during Dancing With the Stars. There is a lot to parse here, so let’s take it step-by-step. Herewith, rose lovers, the five most important takeaways from this 90-second glimpse at Colton’s season.
1. Women find Colton attractive
In the grand tradition of every Bachelor promo ever, this one begins with some soft-core slo-mo shots of the Bachelor showering, while women hoot, squeal, and praise his god-like beauty in voiceover. “I plan on rubbing oil all over his body!” cries one “lady,” while another fans herself and declares, “Ay papi, you’re getting me hot!”
2. The virginity talk will be ENDLESS
Colton’s virginity is mentioned four times in this brief, 90-second promo — which means we can expect to hear about it roughly 320 times in every two-hour episode. (Trust me, I did the math.)
3. The bleep button is working overtime
Holy s—, this “lady” drops the f-bomb, Colton drops the f-bomb, it’s possible that Chris Harrison drops the f-bomb!
4. There are plenty of tears left to cry
Colton is no stranger to shedding tears on camera, and it looks like the women he’ll be choosing from are equally weepy. When will this franchise land a Kleenex sponsorship?
5. Colton is a ninja!
To quote the brunette at the end of the teaser, WHAT JUST HAPPENED? It seems something upsets the Bachelor so much that he taps into a secret reserve of super powers and leaps a tall fence in a single bound. If it turns out he can fly, too, this season may be pretty interesting after all.
Okay, rose lovers, hit me with your thoughts on this, our first real look at Colton’s “journey.” Are you pleasantly surprised? Unexpectedly annoyed? Both? Post your thoughts below, and have a great Thanksgiving.
The Bachelor premieres Monday, Jan. 7, at 8 p.m. on ABC.